"Fear of Rejection" and "Self Sabotage"

Ever wondered, if you have a fear of rejection, why will you sabotage yourself and want to get yourself rejected? The phrases may seem to contradict each other, but in reality they are deeply connected. To understand this connection, let us take the stories of two people, Ravi and Mona.

Ravi’s story

Ravi is an ordinary looking man with simple dressing sense and a decent job. He sees a girl, Mona, who is beautiful, smartly dressed and has a creative job. Of course she looks appealing in every sense, but also out of his league. He looks for every slightest opportunity to reveal his existence. At some point she starts to take notice of him. He doesn’t want to ask her out, for the fear of rejection, so he keeps her in the friend zone.

Mona hints that she is willing to take their friendship to the next zone, but he is scared to consider her hints. Ravi too wants to be with her, at the same time he is scared about getting dumped. One day Mona kisses him and that marked the start of their relationship. Ravi is not able to mentally agree on it, and constantly wonders why, a girl like Mona, will want to date him.

Mona shares her past, and tells him about her future plans. Ravi feels more close to her, but he keeps reading between her lines to find out the real reason behind why she chose him. Would it be her bad experiences that is making her settle down for him, or is it her inferiority complex, or does she have any other ulterior motive?

The more time he spends with Mona, the more he falls in love with her personality. He finds her sweet, caring, funny, creative, bold, and a really nice person. As the adjectives keep adding, so does his insecurity. Mona keeps asking him for small favours like a drop home, book tickets, recharge phone, etc. Since his observations are not yielding the answers he desires, he concludes that she is just using him, and soon he will run out of her use.

Ravi starts to dress shabbily for their dates, reach late and makes excuses of being busy. Mona buys his excuses and does not see them as a problem. Mona also has a busy job. This makes Ravi feel that she is not so much into him as much as he is. So he decides to test her love. He lies to her that he used be a drug addict. Mona becomes curious and wants to know the details. Ravi explains a false past and convinces her that he is completely over it now. He is momentarily happy that she is interested in him, but soon starts to wonder why will a girl like Mona want to be with a drug addict.

Ravi finds Mona talking to another man, and blames her of cheating on him. Mona explains herself that they are just friends. Now, if Mona spends time with Ravi, he thinks she is trying to hide her guilt.  He is curious to know why Mona finds him better than that ‘just friend’. He secretly tries to find more details about that friend and compares himself. The friend scores better. Now Ravi feels totally unnecessary in her life, and decides to move away.

Ravi calls for a breakup. Mona expresses her broken heart, but Ravi says he is doing her a favour and she will move on. Mona blames him of playing with her emotions, but he feels it was the other way around. Wasn’t she the one to kiss him first? She anyway wasn’t too much into him either. Why is she feeling so bad about the whole thing now? Is she just saying things now to make him feel guilty? Her laments are confusing him, but he is neither able to put his foot down and console her, nor apologize. He assumes that her tears are an impulse, not genuine. Either way, it is over now. He feels secure that he has dumped her, before she did, because this relationship wasn’t going to last that long anyway.

Mona stops talking to him. Ravi starts to miss her, and wonders if he did a mistake. He apologizes but Mona just ignores. Now Ravi feels, this is the truth. Mona never wanted him in the first place. It was he who wanted this relationship, and she would have walked out of it someday, ripping his heart away. Ravi’s ego is satisfied about being right. He knew she will reject him, and she did! Now his heart is filled with hatred for Mona, because he believes that she deceived him. Ravi may even try to revenge Mona!

Mona’s story

A decent guy, Ravi, shows interest in her. His simplicity and down to earth nature impresses her. She is able to see that he really likes her, and also sees his hesitation in asking her out. Mona finds that cute and kisses him. She finds Ravi caring, and as a person who can never hurt her.

Mona enjoys the freedom to be herself around him, and she shares her past and future. She seeks out Ravi in times of need and is happy to know he is always there for her. His shabby dressing or being late on dates does not bother her much, because she trusts him. Ravi’s declaration of being a drug addict did come as a shock to her, but she was happy that he is able to be honest with her.

Mona did not like Ravi accusing her of cheating on him. But she understood his insecurity and tried to spend more time with him. But when Ravi called for the breakup, it was totally unexpected. Also, Ravi was careless to her feelings when she broke down. The one thing she thought Ravi would never do was hurt her, but he did!

What went wrong?

Can you spot where the self-sabotage started, and why? There are many reasons for one to have a fear of rejection, or a fear or failure. They are usually some deep rooted childhood experiences. Self-sabotage helps in proving yourself right. You have this fear that you are going to be rejected, so build your surroundings to make sure you do get rejected.

People do this in their careers too. Go late to work, dress inappropriately, don’t be prompt in your tasks, go drunk, be rude to colleagues, make irrecoverable mistakes, etc. You drag your employer down to the extent where he/she can no longer tolerate you. Once you get fired, you say to yourself, “I knew they never wanted me”.

How to deal with this?

The trick to deal with these fears is very simple. The moment you realize it, you have dealt with it!

1. Every time you feel you want to be late, or it doesn’t matter to be late, or you don’t dress appropriately, realize you are not giving your hundred percent. This is the first stage of self-sabotage. Try to realize it at this stage, before you ruin everything.
2. Every time you attempt to think for another person, as to wonder what he/she thinks of you, or why he/she is doing a certain task, realize you are not being normal. Take time out. Stop thinking. Put on the ear phones, play the radio in high volume and let their nonsense blare into your ears.
3. Every time you interpret the other person’s actions as a rejection, i.e., you feel he/she is doing something to reject you, realize you could be wrong. Don’t try to add a meaning to every action. Not everyone thinks so much before doing anything. Confront your feelings with him/her immediately. You may sound stupid. But being stupid is kind of cute too.
4. Every time you feel the need to explain your words or actions, realize that you have replayed the action in your mind many times, and have come up with the best explanation to prove the other person wrong. This, in short, is called “manipulation”. What is spoken or enacted cannot be undone. Everyone loves you for what you are, and not for what you explain yourself to be.
5. Anytime you feel the need to test another person, realize that you are getting into the analysis mode. There is no need to analyze anyone or any situation. Live life, don’t analyze it. The more you think, the less you experience. And remember “the boy who cries wolf”? When you tell the truth, no one will believe you.

Darkness is an illusion, not real. It is just an absence of light, as described by Einstein. You may struggle in it, but the moment you put the lights on, you cannot find the darkness anywhere. Similarly, ALL FEARS ARE AN ILLUSION. Put on the light of realization, and... heyyy, what was that fear you were talking about??